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You Will Always Change

Lately I have been reflecting on the last 12-15 months of my life, not because of the recent change in calendar year, but because of the shifts that have been happening in my life and in friends’ lives.

In my last post, I talked about being incredibly depressed – that has (thankfully) lifted, for now. Moving back to Colorado helped. Facing the reality of why I moved back to Texas in the first place helped .

I didn’t actually want to move back to Texas. I didn’t move back for me.

Which made me resentful and angry.

Which triggered me into isolation.

Which catapulted me into becoming overworked, overwhelmed, and unhappy.

Which caused me to plummet into a pit I hadn’t visited since high school.

Which ultimately sent me running back into the arms of my beautiful Colorado because I realized I had to choose me – and find out just who that was all over again. (She’s different now).

It’s funny: I have not really gone on many hikes or mountain adventures since being back. Even though those things brought me here to begin with, they didn’t bring me back.

I came back for people I love – people who chose to stay in touch while I was in Texas – my roommate Laura, with whom I share a cackling laugh. One of my most treasured friends, Erin, who makes me feel full of glitter every time we talk. Another old roommate, Erinn, who calls my little black cat, Howl a ‘roly-poly-bat-face-girl’ after a Paul Simon song and helped me overcome stage fright during an open mic by singing the lyrics from the audience that I forgot on stage.

And now I have a handful of new friends to solidify that this is my home, at least for now, and for this version of me.

If you take a look at my journals you will find several styles of handwriting depending on the mood, you’ll find out what I was passionate about on Monday of a certain week, I was bored with the following Friday. Take note of how many colors and cuts my hair has gone through. Through all of these things, you will see several different versions of me.

And I think it’s great. I see where someone could point a finger and say “dude…figure yourself out,” but I think it’s who I am: curious, restless, easily-distracted, a polymath, creative, effusive, explosive, an introvert who will hide from you, an extrovert who will get you as enthusiastic about the random thing I am currently obsessed with…I also like talking about myself and could go on but I’ll stop for now.

What I’m getting at is whoever you are now, will change. It should change. If you remain the same, then you will always be the same and so will everything that happens to you – because that’s what happens: life happens to you when you remain the same. You don’t have the same control over living your life if you aren’t open to changing yourself, your perspective, your friends, your norms. Get outside of your norm.

So here’s to whatever version of you you’re currently living, and I hope you are paving the path for the next version of you: they’re all you.

 

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4 Comments

  • Reply Heather

    This post really, in every way possible, resonated with me. Four years ago, I moved to Oregon for the hiking, the adventure, the nature. After two years, I moved to back to Ohio (Cleveland) in an effort to seam the relationship with my father. I didn’t want to go for any other reason, and I largely felt like I was going there for everyone else but me. While there, my efforts with my dad failed miserably, I got divorced, and felt entirely alone and lost. I missed my Oregon friends. They kept in touch. They begged me to return. So, after a very long year, I did. But not with a plan. I had actually accepted a random job as a writer/animal caretaker in upstate New York … I drove 9 hours and had 2 left to go before I broke down in tears on the side of the road, missing Oregon beyond belief. I turned around and drove straight west until I landed back in Oregon again. I landed the kind of job I had been searching years for within 2 months … and since being back (for 8 months now) my life looks nothing like I did the first time I lived here. Like you, I’ve transformed into a new version of myself, where there is still the likeness of who I was, but I’ve grown, matured, and frankly, am so much happier. I no longer look to the endless hiking trails to get lost, because I don’t feel the need to get lost anymore. I’ve found parts of myself deep within that I had been long looking for, and for that, I feel fuller. The mountains and trails will always be part of me, but now I go because I want to, not because I’m desperate to escape my own life. Keep going Tiffiny. I’ve kept up with your blog for several years now and I love watching the transformation. And I can’t tell you how often I’ve identified with just about everything you post on. Thank you 🙂

    03/01/2017 at 8:04 pm
    • Reply Tiffiny

      Heather – thank you so much for sharing this. I love what you say about using the mountains to escape our lives vs. going because we want to. I LOVE that! If we are always trying to escape, how can we ever figure out the thing we are trying to escape from? Thank you, thank you, thank you, for this comment. I’m so glad you’ve kept up with this little blog – it means the world to me!

      <3 Tiffiny

      P.S. I'm actually going to be in Oregon next month - maybe we can meet up!

      03/01/2017 at 11:52 pm
  • Reply Heather

    That’d be awesome man. Whereabouts in OR will you be? Feel free to email me at heather.lorraine.pugh@gmail.com and we can go from there!

    03/04/2017 at 8:50 am
  • Reply Juliana

    Your words always seem to resonate with me- your posts and words were part of what gave me the courage to move across the country to Utah, and now your words are solidifying the thought that you can change- and thats okay. I always identified myself as an ‘outdoors girl’ but I am now learning that I am so much more than that. Exploring your own mind, thoughts and creativity is an adventure in itself and I am glad that you have the courage to put it out on the interwebs for people like me to read. I’ve been following your story for about 4 years now and it never ceases to resonate and draw parallels for me. Keep rockin’ girl- you are awesome!

    03/31/2017 at 9:09 am
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