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    You Will Always Change

    Lately I have been reflecting on the last 12-15 months of my life, not because of the recent change in calendar year, but because of the shifts that have been happening in my life and in friends’ lives.

    In my last post, I talked about being incredibly depressed – that has (thankfully) lifted, for now. Moving back to Colorado helped. Facing the reality of why I moved back to Texas in the first place helped .

    I didn’t actually want to move back to Texas. I didn’t move back for me.

    Which made me resentful and angry.

    Which triggered me into isolation.

    Which catapulted me into becoming overworked, overwhelmed, and unhappy.

    Which caused me to plummet into a pit I hadn’t visited since high school.

    Which ultimately sent me running back into the arms of my beautiful Colorado because I realized I had to choose me – and find out just who that was all over again. (She’s different now).

    It’s funny: I have not really gone on many hikes or mountain adventures since being back. Even though those things brought me here to begin with, they didn’t bring me back.

    I came back for people I love – people who chose to stay in touch while I was in Texas – my roommate Laura, with whom I share a cackling laugh. One of my most treasured friends, Erin, who makes me feel full of glitter every time we talk. Another old roommate, Erinn, who calls my little black cat, Howl a ‘roly-poly-bat-face-girl’ after a Paul Simon song and helped me overcome stage fright during an open mic by singing the lyrics from the audience that I forgot on stage.

    And now I have a handful of new friends to solidify that this is my home, at least for now, and for this version of me.

    If you take a look at my journals you will find several styles of handwriting depending on the mood, you’ll find out what I was passionate about on Monday of a certain week, I was bored with the following Friday. Take note of how many colors and cuts my hair has gone through. Through all of these things, you will see several different versions of me.

    And I think it’s great. I see where someone could point a finger and say “dude…figure yourself out,” but I think it’s who I am: curious, restless, easily-distracted, a polymath, creative, effusive, explosive, an introvert who will hide from you, an extrovert who will get you as enthusiastic about the random thing I am currently obsessed with…I also like talking about myself and could go on but I’ll stop for now.

    What I’m getting at is whoever you are now, will change. It should change. If you remain the same, then you will always be the same and so will everything that happens to you – because that’s what happens: life happens to you when you remain the same. You don’t have the same control over living your life if you aren’t open to changing yourself, your perspective, your friends, your norms. Get outside of your norm.

    So here’s to whatever version of you you’re currently living, and I hope you are paving the path for the next version of you: they’re all you.

     

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